THE BEST OF TEACHING ON PARENTING

Posted by Pastor George

Monday, November 30, 2009

In October 2008, Mars Hill Church hosted a Biblical Parenting Conference with Dr. Tedd Tripp, who presented biblical teaching on topics from formative instruction to corrective discipline. You can't beat this ... watch video by clicking on the links below.

HELPING KIDS UNDERSTAND AUTHORITY




HELPING KIDS UNDERSTAND THE HEART


OVERVIEW OF CORRECTIVE DISCIPLINE



THE CALL TO FORMATIVE INSTRUCTION

LAST CHAPTER: INSTRUCTING A CHILD'S HEART

Posted by Pastor George

Monday, August 17, 2009

CHAPTER 15: THE CENTRALITY OF THE GOSPEL

“In all or nurturing as parents, the gospel must be central. It is the only hope of forgiveness. It is the only hope for deep internal change. It is the only hope for power to live. The grace of the gospel is the center of everything for Christian parents.”

The home that needs to worry about hypocrisy is the one where the focus is probably on the behavior and not the heart. This makes the child think that their problem is what they are doing rather than what they are.

Some of the needs that our child may have that are addressed by the gospel:
1. Cleansing – their thoughts, motives and actions can be renewed.
2. Forgiveness – based upon the payment by Jesus Christ. He loved us so much that He gave His life as a ransom, paid the penalty for ours sins and so forgiveness is on the basis of these payments.
3. Empowerment – we need empowerment by the Holy Spirit to accomplish internal change, find joy in God and live in a self-sacrificing and gracious way of life.

How can the gospel be displayed in correction?
By nurturing and discipling your child. It is an opportunity to speak of discipleship, ministry, and grace.

Questions:
1. Do you know the gospel well enough that you can express it in everyday events?
2. In your form of discipline and correction, have you been able to change your child’s behavior by reaching the heart? How?
3. How can the gospel be applied in a correction situation?
4. Compare Ezekiel 36: 25-27 with John 3: 1-21.
How is the cleansing of sin portrayed?
How is forgiveness expressed?
How are internal changes seen?
How is empowerment accomplished?
5. Why is it so important to emphasize grace? How is it seen?

INSTRUCTING A CHILD'S HEART

Posted by Pastor George

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Chapter 14 – COMMUNICATION

Have you ever considered a communication strategy to your parenting? Your design for parenting directs what strategy you will use. When you are using a strategy of behavior modification, we usually fall into a “tell it like it is” form of communication. Those who let their children learn by discovery often use a “let it all hang out” strategy.

In approaching our children with a gospel-centered approach, the Tripps offer that we first speak with restraint, employing pleasant words and delighting to understand them. This approach reflects the wisdom of God’s Word:

Proverbs 17:27 - Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.

Prov 15: 28 - The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.

Prov 29:20 - Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

Prov 16:21 - The wise of heart is called discerning, and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.

Eccl 6:11 - The more words, the more vanity, and what is the advantage to man?

Eccl 9:17 - The words of the wise heard in quiet are better than the shouting of a ruler among fools.

The goal of communication is to understand each other. To do so to your child is to only encourage them to communicate more to you because you are showing you are really interested in what they are thinking. Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.”

Questions:

1. What is your style of communication to your children? Do you “tell it like it is?” “Let it all hang out?” Speak with restraint, honesty, frankness and candor?

2. Have you ever wearied your children with your words? What often happens when your conversation carries on too long with them?

3. Have you ever said something you regret with your children? How can you prevent this from happening?

4. What hurdles do you put before your children when your words are harsh, loud, demanding, or demeaning?

5. How can you help your child know they are loved unconditionally and accepted so they feel safe sharing their deep and confusing thoughts?

6. How can you help your child when they answer you with “I don’t know?”

A recommended resource to you is “Everyday Talk, Talking Freely and Naturally About God with your Children,” by John Younts.

INSTRUCTING A CHILD'S HEART

Posted by Pastor George

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

CHAPTER 13: CORRECTIVE DISCIPLINE: APPLYING THE SOWING AND REAPING PRINCIPLE OF SCRIPTURE

Galatians 6: 7, 8 states “Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.”

Formative instruction, which is part of the heart of this book, is to abound with the good purposes God had for us before the Fall and His marvelous provision for us after the Fall through the person and work of Jesus Christ. The reality of judgment, wrath, and God’s intolerance with sin should drive us to the foot of the cross to be mindful of God’s grace.

Corrective discipline is an appeal to formative instruction to help our children understand how sin affects all of life. It is a rescue mission designed to redirect a straying or unbelieving child back inside the circle of blessing of honoring and obeying their parents and other authority.

The reaping process in discipline is to be biblical and not behavioral. That means it must address the issues of the heart. Here are a few steps explained in the chapter:
-Always dialogue with your child – never monologue. Ask what they were thinking and feeling that prompted the behavior.
-Use formative instruction to describe their sin, its deception and God’s promises to overcome it.
-Identify with your child the struggle to resist sowing in the flesh
-Identify for them what it means to sow to the Spirit
-Give them an ample opportunity to respond and continue the dialogue
-PRAY!

The Tripps offer these words of final encouragement in this chapter:
“We don’t shepherd our children to assure that our children will ‘turn out right.’ We shepherd our children to be faithful to the work God has given us. Consequences do not serve as power plays to prove our role or power or strength or to put kids in their place for our convenience. They are designed by God to display the reality of God’s ultimate rule in the affairs of men and to extend mercy while there is time to repent and trust in God.”

“Discipline is not an opportunity for us to show our children who is boss or to hand our punishments that will change their behavior. Even when our consequences are appropriate to underscore God’s truth and our standards, discipline is primarily an opportunity to remind our children of their need to repent and believe in Christ, and the forgiveness and provision available from God through Christ. We are really declaring God’s sovereignty and involvement with all he has created, offering relationship with God through Christ. Show them the beauty and goodness of confession to God and others, and warn them of the coming judgment for unbelief.”

Questions to Consider:

1. Consider the last episode of corrective discipline you had with your teen:
A. How well did you warn against “sowing to the sinful nature?” (Probably you did fairly well here)
B. How well did you encourage them as to “sowing to the Spirit?” (Probably not as well)
C. How much dialogue did you have? Did you seek to discover if their actions were motivated by any fears, desires, hopes, and/or lusts of the heart?

2. What do you do when you know your child is guilty but does not admit it? What do you do if you are not sure?

3. How well do you “hunker down in the trenches” with your child's struggle with sin and help them understand that you have similar struggles?

4. What is the danger if you get too sentimental in your love for your child and start lowering the standards? How does this impact the gospel?

5. What is your ultimate motivation in shepherding your child? Is it that they should turn out right or is it something else?

INSTRUCTING A CHILD'S HEART

Posted by Pastor George

Monday, July 20, 2009

Chapter 12- Getting from Behavior to the Heart

Whoops - for those who were following the book, once again I let this slide. It has been a month since I addressed chapter 11. This chapter has a bunch of "ouches" for this parent and grandfather. I was a master at behavior modification and by the grace of God, somehow my kids' hearts turned out okay but sure not because I was aiming there! Their mom was much better than I was.

To work on our children's hearts is to aim at the source of their bad behavior rather than the behavior itself. We used to have brief periods of "Camp Lockyer" where if their were patterns of behavior that needed to be changed, it was going to happen in the next 3 days! Through a series of rewards and punishments, the behavior was redirected and manipulated until Dad was satisfied. Trouble was that since the source of the behavior was not dealt with, it would show itself either again later or in a new form.

The Tripps point our that:

Behaviorism does not address the real need of our children

Behaviorism provides our children with a false basis for ethics

Behaviorism trains the heart in wrong paths

Behaviorism obscures the message of the gospel

Behaviorism shows the parent's idols

To get to the heart of behavior requires formative instruction that helps your child see the connection between their behavior and their heart attitude that led to the behavior. To do so a parent needs to learn to ask good questions that reveal the child's heart. Questions that are open-ended and where the child can reveal what they were thinking and the motivation behind their behavior.

Once the motivation is revealed, you as a parent will find a point of personal connection with the child for whether it is pride, selfishness, fear or other sources of motivation, you know what that sin is like. Identify with your child's struggle with the sin and provide the answer - the gospel!

Hebrews 4: 14-16 tells us that Jesus identifies with our struggles and temptations and as our High Priest, we can draw near to Him with confidence and receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Your child needs you and especially the mercy and grace of Christ.

How many times today have you barked out imperatives to your children that demanded a change of behavior without addressing the heart?

Where are you using tools of manipulation in your discipline such as reward and punishment systems? Are they really producing long-term changes?

Why do you really want your kids to behave? Is it to make your life easier? Is it so you look good to others? Is is so you know you are in control?

How are you keeping the gospel central in your discipline?

Note: The Tripps make it clear that it is not wrong to correct behavior and it is necessary in many situations. Part of this heart direction is to understand that in situations where the correction of behavior is necessary, your job is not done. Help them understand how they strayed from God's ways. Also look for typical responses by your child so you can address themes such as selfishness and then speak in depth to the attitude of the heart.

INSTRUCTING A CHILD'S HEART

Posted by Pastor George

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

CHAPTER 11: THE IMPORTANCE OF THE CHURCH

What is your view of the church as a family? One of the metaphors of the church in the Scriptures is the family. All the qualities of a healthy family are the same qualities of a healthy church. Living in community is part of God's design and the two primary communities are the family and the church.

The church is where the support structure for a biblical worldview to the home is found. Worship, prayer, God's Word, authority, accountability, submission, roles, and caring relationships are developed. The church is where we can learn how to deal with trials which is essential teaching for a child's development spiritually.

All said, the church needs to be a priority to your family. As parents, you will shape your child's attitude about the church. If you love the church, they will likely love the church as well.

(If you are part of Faith Bible Church, make sure you have a copy of our booklet on children in worship titled, "Worshiping with the Greatest in the Kingdom.")

Questions:

1. If someone would ask your child what mom and dad think and say about your church, what would they say?

2. How are your children a picture of the children of God?

3. How well does you home emulate these qualities which are part of the community of the church: consideration, forgiveness, acceptance, encouragement, communion, companionship, self-sacrificing, love, admonition, rebuke, restoration, repentance, reconciliation, fellowship, nurture, loyalty, refuge, healing, and accountability?

INSTRUCTING A CHILD'S HEART - Chapter 10: Complete In Christ

Posted by Pastor George

Saturday, June 6, 2009

I had forgot about going through the book "Instructing a Child's Heart" and no one said anything about it until last week. I received a comment/email that someone asked why I had stopped at chapter 9? Rather than give a reason, here is chapter 10 and I will continue the series.

This is an incredibly important chapter of instruction for you as a parent. It starts out with this statement, "When our children are confronted with temptation to sin, difficult circumstances, or the sting of the sin of others, we want to show them the beauty of resting in Christ - being complete in Him."

We often try to give our children tools to deal with these issues that are far inadequate for what they need and all they need is Christ. The Tripps provide a step by step means to show how we can be complete in Christ. They use a series of diagrams that provide an overview of the storyline of Scripture - creation, fall, redemption and the implications of them. This is a chapter where the gospel is clearly presented and how it is connected to the narrative of Scripture.

Application:

1. Read this chapter several times

2. If your child is young, master the material in order to bring to your child the information at a level they will understand. Charles Spurgeon said that if a child is young enough to understand sin, they are young enough to understand the gospel.

3. As you have brought counsel to your child for the situations they have faced, how have you brought the provision from God in Christ? How can you grow in this area as a parent?

CHAPTER 9- INSTRUCTING A CHILD'S HEART: Wisdom and Foolishness

Posted by Pastor George

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Most people would like life to be black and white. The Bible does indeed divide our hearts and behavior in a black and white manner called wisdom and foolishness. It makes some of the things we deal with our children easier (and ourselves) when we ask the simple question – “was that wise or foolish?” The problem comes in identifying what is wisdom and foolishness.

Wisdom is defined as the fear of the Lord. The fear of the Lord is reverence and awe of God. It is something that even a very young child can learn.

Foolishness can be defined by Psalm 14:1 – “The fool says in his heart, ‘there is no God.’” In other words, I make myself a law and pursue what pleases me without consideration to what pleases God.

Foolish pursuits can be found on the following paths:
The pursuit of pleasure
Indulging in substances
The pursuit of sensuality
Defining success by accomplishments or wealth
Placing faith in education as giving life meaning and purpose

The pursuit of wisdom leads to blessings such as:
Understanding
Long life
Godly values
Moral sensitivity
Honor
Eternal joys
Spiritual success
Education that teaches a care for God’s world and increases our knowledge so we can glorify God.

APPLICATION QUESTIONS:
1. Have you been demonstrating foolishness as a parent? Do you express selfishness? A temper?

2. How are you demonstrating wisdom as a parent? Do you show a response to the holiness of God? A hatred to wickedness? A love that shows compassion, grace and mercy?

3. When you are in a discipling situation with your children, do you ask questions that help them discern wisdom and foolishness?

4. Look for opportunities to teach the difference between wisdom and foolishness. Situations abound: Watch others at ballgames. Evaluate TV shows or movies. Give situations to your children to evaluate.

INSTRUCTING A CHILD'S HEART - Chapter 8: Giving Children a Vision for the Glory of God

Posted by Pastor George

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Children are instinctively worshipers and the challenge as with all of us, is how to help children be dazzled by God's greatness and worship Him. Worship is a response and it is either to the greatness of God or we exchange the truth of God for a lie (Romans 1:21-23)

To love anything more than God is called idolatry. Ezekiel 14:2-3 indicates as much as there are physical idols, the danger is that we establish idols of the heart. These can be power and influence, pride and performance, possessions, pleasures and sensuality, fear of man, friendships or being in the know.

When idols of the heart are replaced by the greater, more pleasing delights of Christ, they lose their grip on our heart. The Tripps provide a wonderful section on God's glory in the Psalms to help reinforce this principle.

The heart of the gospel is the glory of God. God does not exist to satisfy our desires but we exist for God. A proper interpretation of this truth is essential for children and for us. This helps you as a parent the following ways in teaching your children: (Evaluate how you are doing in these areas)

1. Children sin for pleasure

2. We are not to feed their idols

3. We must be dazzled by God

4. We need to meditate on spiritual truth

5. We must provide ourselves with spiritual enticements

6. We need to express spiritual delights

7. We must know that children can "get it."

8. We must know and teach that the glory of God is the beginning and the end.

INSTRUCING A CHILD'S HEART - Chapter 6: The Sowing and Reaping Principle of Scripture

Posted by Pastor George

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Galatians 6:7,8 states, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction. The one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”

Consequences are a vital part of the instruction, discipline and correction of our children. These consequences however must be understood as God designed them, not as the world teaches them.

The goal of Christian parenting is the heart of our child, not their behavior. The hope that we have to accomplish this is the transforming power of the gospel. Sowing and reaping needs to be connected to the redemptive purposes of God and not just random acts of behavior modification.

Dr. Tripp covers the biblical vision of sowing and reaping in this chapter by showing the blessings of sowing to the Spirit, the biblical reality of sowing and reaping, and the behavior consequences of sowing and reaping from Scripture.

There a 2 types of consequences:
Natural – those that happen if no one interferes
Those that are shaped by authority

There are at least 6 inevitable consequences to all thoughts and actions:
We reap in relationship with God
We reap in habits for life
We reap in reputation
We reap in human relationships
We reap in long-term usefulness in Christ’s kingdom
We reap for eternity

Just trying to change a child’s behavior may work to do exactly that but it also may obscure the gospel. We are teaching our children that we can live in God’s world without Christ and do just fine.

What to do?
Be a student of the Scriptures
Pray
Shepherd yourself – let God’s Word be on your heart so you may impress it on your child’s heart (Deuteronomy 6:6)

CONSIDER:
1. What does your instruction, discipline and correcton reveal about your real concern for your children? Does it show you are more concerned with their behavior or their heart?

2. What does it mean “He who sows to the Spirit?” How can you teach this to your children?

3. Check the comparison charts on pages 67-69. Have you been deceived in thinking that rewards and punishment are the same as biblical sowing and reaping?

4. Do you have a tendency to interfere with the 2 types of consequences and thus possibly interfering with the progress of the gospel in your child’s life?

5. Develop a plan as to how you can start teaching the inevitable consequences of all thoughts and actions?

Next week: Authority is God’s Plan

INSTRUCTING A CHILD'S HEART - CHAPTER 5: Getting to the Heart of Behavior

Posted by Pastor George

Friday, August 1, 2008

How many times today did you ask at least one of your children, "why did you do that?' And then you were met with the answer, "I dunno!"

All decisions and choices we make in life have an origin - it is found in what we love and desire and the Bible identifies this source as our heart. We nor our children can intrepret life correctly until we understand that it is the heart that directs all of our life.

So how do we deal with our children's hearts? The first step is to realize that many of us, most of the time focus on the behavior of our child and lose sight of the attitudes of heart behind the behavior. We can learn to manipulate our child's behavior through obedience therapy techniques of rewards and punishments - but this will never touch a stony heart. Only the work of God through grace can accomplish this (Ezekiel 36).

1. How have you seen your child's desires and passions expressed lately?

2. Write out what the Scriptures tell us that the heart does (page 52) and adjectives that describe the heart (page 53).

3. How have you been attempting to control your child's behavior without addressing the heart?

4. What is the "when", "what", and "why" of behavior?

5. Read Ezekiel 36: 22-32. How does this speak of the grace of God? How does this apply to your parenting?

6. According to Hebrews 3:12-13, why do your children need you?

7. According to Galatians 6:1, what is your ministry to your children? what warning is there for you in this verse?

INSTRUCTING A CHILD’S HEART: CHAPTER 4

Posted by Pastor George

Sunday, July 6, 2008

3 PRINCIPLES FOR COMMUNICATING FORMATIVE INSTRUCTION

This is an easy week of reading (3 pages) but require a lot of thought and assessment of your methods of teaching your children. It will likely hit you in your comfort zone.

The Tripps introduce “How to share biblical concepts with children so they understand.” How do we get our children to understand words, phrases, doctrinal declarations from God’s Word? We have difficulty with it ourselves! The attitudes and conduct we expect from our children depend heavily upon a spiritual foundation of understanding. The Tripps propose 3 principles to help with the process:

1. Don’t mix imaginary stories with true Bible stories. I fully agree with this and it is the reason why a couple of years ago I cleaned out the Faith Bible Church children’s library of “Veggie Tales” videos. They are fun entertainment that teaches good morals but they are horrible teaching tools for the Bible.

2. Don’t trivialize the gospel to be “relevant.” If you have taken the advanced training for children’s ministry at Faith Bible Church then you know I address this. A common method of children’s ministry (and adult teaching as well) is to try and make the Bible relevant to our lives. WRONG and DANGEROUS! Help your children understand that their life is to be relevant to God’s Word and the gospel – confession, repentance, forgiveness, reconciliation, mercy, grace, and on and on…

3. Help young children to relate Bible stories in tactile and physical ways. Be creative. Children learn best when multiple senses are involved. Help them beyond just hearing the stories, but help them see it, touch it, and speak it.

APPLICATION: Very simply evaluate yourselves in all 3 areas and begin to prepare yourself for changing the way you instruct your children.

CHAPTER 3 - THE CALL TO FORMATIVE INSTRUCTION

Posted by Pastor George

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Formative instruction is defined as that teaching that "forms" our children.

It enables them to root life in God's revelation in the Bible.

It helps them to understand the dignity of mankind as God's image bearers.

It provides a way of interpreting life through the redemptive story of God, who reconciles people to Himself.

Formative instruction is not the same as correction. It is part of the foundation of parenting by instructing and training where correction is to use tools to reinstruct and retrain.

The goal is that we and our children and our grandchildren fear the Lord, walk in His ways and enjoy long life - Deuteronomy 6:1-9.

Questions and Application:

1. Consider the ages of your children. Think then about some of the assumptions you make about what and how they understand their world.

2. When do you do most of your instruction to your children? Is is when they have done something wrong? What is the problem when we mix formative instruction with correction?

3. Read Deuteronomy 6:1-9 carefully:

a. Who are the commands directed to?

b. What does it mean to "impress?"

c. When and where do you impress these things on your children?

4. Go through the truth to impress on your children from page 41. How are you doing in these areas? What can you do better?

5. What is the ultimate hope in our instruction to our children?

INSTRUCTING A CHILD'S HEART: CHAPTER 2

Posted by Pastor George

Sunday, June 15, 2008

5 GOALS FOR FORMATIVE INSTRUCTION

Getting the big picture is imperative. Those who have been in any of the Parenting by Faith classes know that we emphasize that we do not place our belief in what our children do today but believe what can happen to our children if we are faithful and obedient to the promises and commands of God.

The Tripps give us in this chapter 5 perspectives or goals to focus on that shapes formative instruction.

1. To remember that Scripture is our personal history. The storyline of Scripture is Creation, Fall, and Redemption and it is in this context that we understand life.

2. We are to teach our children to develop habits of life that reflect truth. Having a clear, consistent presentation of biblical reality reveals their sinful nature and helps them read and interpret this reality.

3. We are to instruct our children to apply Scripture to issues of authority, obedience, conflict resolution and God-given roles in relationships. It is how we respond to these areas and the crisis of life that makes our theology real.

4. We are to model spiritual vitality for our children. The home is the laboratory of life.

5. We are to strive to grow into a mutual relationship of living and working together for Christ’s kingdom.

Application:
1. Have you given serious consideration to goals for your children? What do you want them to look like in the next 5, 10, 15 years?

2. Do you understand the Scriptures from a full storyline perspective or do you see it as just a bunch of stories? If not, will you commit yourself to understanding the whole story? See Pastor George for resources.

3. How are your habits to apply the Scriptures to all situations of life? Check the box on page 27 for an example of teaching the habit to your children.

4. Assess the spiritual vitality of your home. Are the storms of life seen as opportunities to grow? Are the children seeing how to rejoice? Persevere? Trust and obey?

5. Are you setting up a future vision in accordance with Psalm 78 – where one day your children will arise and teach the next generation?

INSTRUCTING A CHILD'S HEART

Posted by Pastor George

Sunday, June 8, 2008

For the next 15 weeks we will look at how we can change or develop the worldview of our children. How our children think is directly related to the issues of their heart and through the instruction of Tedd and Margy Tripp, we will see how we can "instruct their hearts."

Chapter 1 - The Call To Formative Instruction

We are in a battle for the minds and hearts of our children with the secular culture. It's voice is compelling and loud. With slickness and skill, the message to our children (and to us) is that life is all about me. The things we deserve, want, what it takes to be happy, and what we can't live without. It has produced young people who are characterized by depression, restlessness, who are critical, argumentative, unmotivated, and unimpressed with the previous generations.

Throughout this study, we will look at formative instruction - that which "forms" or "shapes" our children from the Scriptures. It is actively teaching our children to live the reality that God defines life. He has spoken and calls for parents to commend His words to the next generation.

Formative instruction and corrective discipline are not the same thing. Formative instruction is happening all the time where discipline occurs when behavior needs to be corrected.

Those who have the book, read chapter one and those who do not, get your copy right away and join the reading and discussion. Here are some questions to consider after reading the chapter:

1. The authors state we are in a war with the culture. What and where in your home is the enemy asserting power and influence? (Romans 12:2)

2. Take a look at some of the values that your family are living out - dress, actions, thing that you do? All of these have been shaped by someone or something. Who are you and your children imitating?

3. Assess the attitudes in your home. Do you or your children tend to be critical? Restless? Cynical? Argumentative? Unmotivated? --Why?

4. What are the sources of instruction to your children? What are they watching, listening to, reading and who is influenicng them? How many hours each day and week are they being influenced by whom Psalm 1 calls "the counsel of the wicked", "the way of sinners", and "the seat of mockers."

5. How are you presenting the Scriptures to your children? Are they tools to beat up on your children's behavior? Are they words of mercy and grace that reveal the incarnational love of Christ, redemption, and hope of the gospel of Jesus Christ?

6. Are you loving God's Word so your children will?